Loveletters

I used to write love letters to my boyfriends before. For the simple reason that it's the only sweet thing that I am able to do those days when I feel so restricted by my fears - fear of getting too intimate for example. I don't think they actually appreciated the words and my thoughts in general, otherwise we would still be together and so much in love with each other :D But I think writing notes to each other is really sweet.

I still have the same fears as before but I think I am braver nowadays and a lot more ready to face rejection, frustration, disappointment or whatnot and fall deeply in love with the man who I decided to love. Actually, this whole entry would sound like a confession of thoughts and unrealized actions. I am quite in love with the idea of everlasting love, of tragic but definitely true love, of unconditional love :D

For the last four years, I thought I would be just that. A woman filled with love and unrealized actions. It's so damn foolish to love a man and not know everything that's in between. That I guess is a cowardly love - full of actions yet very little definition; always staying on safe grounds and maintaining status quo. Nevertheless, they were still love and feels so much better than knowing both of you love each other but actually never feels sure of that fact.

Until this recent year when God gave me another man to love. [I hope I don't give the impression that I've been jumping from one love to another]. It’s just that I wasn't the "can’t live without a man type". But I am in love with the idea of love. When you make a difference to the life of the person you chose to love. And whenever I pray to Him to give me a man to share my love with, He grants it with so much magic. Whenever I feel the magic, I know He's sending me the signs. I feel so High :D But I also believe that some love are not meant to last forever. That depends on what He intended that experience to be; what lessons to be learned; in other words "purpose'. I am not really sure if I was able to realize that purpose in relation to my past loves. I guess so lest we'd still be together wondering if it’s all worth it.

I always pray to Him for Love as I have mentioned and this time I think it’s the most powerful prayer that he's so far granted. I don’t know, it’s just that my feelings this time are so intense, so intense that I got to cleanse my soul at times when emotions get too high. Sometimes I have such weird feeling that I might actually die if my man suddenly go estranged. Before I got into this love trap, I promised to stay in control of my emotions. I don’t want to lose my respect for myself. Running after a man is a no-no. Pride, that is. But I think it’s turning otherwise. I am addicted to loving him. I am afraid I no longer know how to let go should that happen, I would be extremely sad I think. Because this time, I am no longer standing on safe grounds. I have laid my cards and all aces.