Losing myself

This is one of the nights when sleeping is just so difficult for me.  I had a tiring day - should be tiring enough to put me to sleep; but I just can't.  My issues are keeping me awake again.  I am half-aware and half denying that I have serious problems with myself.  No one can understand it but me and I know no one can solve it but me.  And it is so hard because all i can do for now is cry and think endlessly until my mind gets tired and retire to sleep.  

This all I can say for now.  I hope I win my own battle.  Then I would be truly happy

I can't sleep

I don't think a lot people knows about this blog.  I hope so because I've kept quite a few heart to heart entries in here.  Kinda reflects my state of mind for the moment.  And it seems I am in a state of superficial confusion.  Sigh.  It's just that there are quite a number of things bothering me.  So sad I am not free to discuss them.  Well, no one's really keeping me to except myself.  I don't want to complicate things that I think, are complicated as they are.

I thought I was sleep-deprived the past three days - work, meeting people, had to stay late and wake up early as usual.  So I slept almost the whole day today.  Now, I've too little tiredness to lull me to sleep.  It's almost 4 in the morning now.  By tomorrow I guess I'd feel sleepless again and the feeling would just repeat - too little, too much, too difficult to balance.

I am running-out of hobbies to keep myself amused these days.  Can't paint, can't stroll by the beach, can't go to the mall, can't watch movie.  I just can't.  Seems so complicated, as always.  Kept thinking how to revive the old me.  Dunno what's really the difference but I feel different now.  There are things that I just can't do anymore and don't have the appetite to even try.  Have I given up trying, I don't want to admit.

I have to set goals again and dream some more.  Having him made me uhh I don't know what.  Don't have a name for it yet and don't want to conclude.  It's too early.  I must go back to bed now and try to find the perfect peace so I could get some sleep.  It's time.

DEAREST

I wish I could stop thinking that you are taking too much from me and I wish I could atleast tell you that. But I simply can't. It will be unfair of me because I know you did not ask for them. I gave them without you asking. I'm not even sure if you need them. I thought you would love me for that.
Lately, I noticed that you are a taker by nature and maybe I can't really tell if they matter to you. And because of all these, I think I have pushed our relationship too far like almost dragging it to where we are now.
Maybe I should have thought of these before giving up myself to you. Because right now, I couldn't blame anyone but myself. The hurt feeling that I get at the end of the day is starting to drive me crazy. I want to have a life. I don't want my life to depend on you. But i know that is impossible now because I cannot live without you. I will always fear losing you because you are just too precious to me.
I wish I could see that you desire me like the way you desire the things that are so important to you so that I may feel loved. But I can see the opposite. And that itself breaks my heart.

People

Oh people!
People judge
people envy People condone people

People conform to norms
People think of absolute truth
People create their own convention
Convention becomes the truth

People creates people
And destroys what they created
Even love and trust
But people teach people not to trust other people

People oH people
people follow so typical a pattern
People lives so eventually they will die
And goes up and down along the way

People say you are up when you have money
Lots of it and people say you you're down
when you have none

people live in opposites
positives and negatives
Oh people I don't understand people
As sometimes I cannot understand myself

Pinay In DUbai

Gender: Female

Status: In a relationship/Domestic Partnership

Nationality: Filipino

Location: DubAi, UAE

"Blame RiZal and Bonifacio!", cried my colleague next to my desk [I was eavesdropping]. "Only if they weren't so proud to be under American Rule - they wouldn't revolt against them, then PHilippines would be one of America's States and PInoys wouldn't have to go thru the long process of applying for American or Canadian citizenship". [I don't know what my HIstory professors would have to say upon hearing this]. What happened to the word "nationalism"? Maybe it died with the Katipuneros and now remembered as a mere Urban Myth told by sunog-baga's in the alleys of Quiapo and Ermita.

They were discussing about having a Green Card and holding American Passport so they wouldn't feel belittled by other nationalities around here -so they would be at par with them and be confident enought to chat and laugh with them during socials-so they would be easily be invited to parties.

Hearing my collegues cry, I thought maybe nations are not as important today as it was yesteryears, when Bonifacio and Rizal thought that keeping is above anything on earth.